I don’t think that it has been a secret that since Alex was born, all my focus and energy has been on being the best parent I can be and providing the best life for her.  It has consumed me.  Every decision I make, every career choice, every holiday, every damn meal I cook has been directed at what is best for Alex.  Now, please don’t misunderstand me, I am not complaining here.  This was my choice.  I chose to put her first.  I value family time.  I value being there for her both physically and emotionally so that I can support her, lift her up, hold her and nurture her.  I have made career decisions based on what will be best for Alex rather than what may have got me further towards my dreams and goals.  Again, please don’t misunderstand me.  That was and still is my choice.

It was my choice to chicken out and use Alex as an excuse so that if I strove for my goal and missed, I had an excuse. I had to be there for Alex. It was my choice to never fully engage in a conversation because I had to keep one eye on my daughter. I had to keep her safe.  It was my choice to spend thousands of dollars on Alex and yet fail to buy myself much needed underwear due to mine being covered in holes. She needed another Barbie doll. It was my choice.

I don’t regret this choice. It has shaped me and it has shaped her.   I can say that I have been there for her every step of the way and that is important to me. My concern now however is that soon she will be flying the coup and where is that going to leave me?  I realised this on Friday morning when I dropped Alex at the airport.  She and a group of students from her school were headed to Sydney for their Arts tour.  They are visiting NIDA, seeing a performance at the Sydney Opera House, participating in dance and theatre workshops.  What an experience right?  She is one lucky duckie.

As I walked away from her as they were all checking in, I felt an immense feeling of loss and emptiness. And it scared me.  She is away for 5 days and I was close to tears.  How will I be in two and a half years when she is off to university?  If she has it her way, she is moving to Sydney to audition to NIDA.  I am barely coping with 4 days let alone a lifetime!

I realise that it is time to put the focus back on me, well, at least share the focus.  To start rebuilding my dreams and goals and start putting one foot in front of the other and take the steps to achieve them. Because Alex is going to live her life and not look back.  I have built the foundations for her and she is going to fly. I am super proud of that. And whilst we won’t be flying together, I choose to fly too, I choose not to fall. I choose to live. I’m pretty damn excited.